Process Writing 1
Private Shit Fair Warning!
These days I am writing like mad. Responses, reflections, research and all form of journaling. I'm just going to let this be one more version of journaling. Not since my brief stint as a somatic psychology student at Naropa have I been required to do so much introspection. The more the merrier, and I think a variety of approach is called for.
I have always loved and appreciated the opportunity to be a student.  Here it is, ten years out of undergraduate school. I am not afraid.
I hoped to get a graduate degree in dance; teach, dance and choreograph at a University or college. Instead I got to raise my son and I chose to help my ex husband grow his business.
Anyway, turns out my technical writing isn't as bad off as I had thought. My interest in the work is intense, which helps a lot. My inner resistance to the work is also intense; bummer.
I am in a graduate program in conflict resolution at PSU. My interest is in restorative justice. I thought I wanted to work with the juvenile population. Need is greater for adults; I am reconsidering.

I am rethinking the verbiage I used earlier, "...required to do so much introspection" I should say, "afforded the opportunity".

And there are so many reasons to avoid myself. I assumed that being in a graduate program would give me a reprieve from myself. Not so.

Things about myself

I am a conflict avoider

I have done and will probably continue to make up stories about people I love. The story is always super self centered; I am embarrassed about this. I think I am about to get sort of specific all the sudden.
The story is about how you don't need me, I am annoying to you, I take too much of your resources, time and energy, if I really love you I will get out of your way; life.

I believe it is my responsibility to, and to be a good person I must, sacrifice my desires, hopes, time, energy, thoughts, and security for you and I can't ask any of this from you in return.

I want to be seen

I have never been in love

I know that I am not going to die just because I never get to fall in love; but it hurts all the damn time and I am tired of it

I expect so much from my son, who is so loving and is learning so fast.

I am totally capable of staying present with my clients as a doula, I have reverent respect for their process and their experience. This time is so healing for my heart. But in private, I fall apart all the time.

The gap is hard to mind, let the wishes go, let the wishes go.

I loved a man unconditionally. It was sincere and beautiful. I could not fall in love with him. That makes me sad, but not as sad as you would think.

I have a great deal of inner conflict. There are conversations that need to happen that will never happen. I need to not need to understand. I need to accept that even if the conversations happen; I may not understand any more than I do now.

I really want to do good things, do things well, and be all the time and have that be enough.

I would like to stop crying randomly

Well, that about wraps it up for tonight. I notice writing in this format, being able to erase, being able to type out so fast and go back and forth, no doodling, makes me organize the page in a completely different way. After a few weeks I should be able to say more about that. I do want to add a picture, maybe to the post.
Hmmm, what shall it be?

How about this leaf / rock experience? I made this picture in Maple Canyon this spring.